The concept of control is frequently viewed as “restraining, minimizing, stopping, or denying” an undesirable thought, emotion, or behavior. We are socialized from a very young age to conform to familial and cultural values and to societal standards, all which represent a form of control over oneself. Therefore, when it comes to making New Year’s resolutions, many people focus on controlling something negative, rather than on developing positive thoughts and actions or tapping into strengths which we already possess. The reason that New Year’s resolutions typically do not last beyond January is that we create goals which are based on generalized “shoulds” and not on our smaller, yet authentic, “wants” and “needs” as a unique individual. To experience a healthy sense of control, it’s important to decide WHAT YOU WANT for your narrative and not WHAT YOU DON’T WANT.
There are two primary factors in the control process: intention and action. We actually set ourselves up for failure when we do not establish a realistic, step-by-step action plan for implementing our intentions as part of our daily narrative. Control is not logically realistic as some finite goal. Rather, it is an ongoing process of life. Gaining control of your present experiences requires that you admit to yourself that you cannot realistically control many of life’s circumstances. Positive Psychology therapeutic approaches have turned the focus away from control and toward well-being, which has been equated with “satisfaction, contentment, purpose, and resiliency.” In the field of Positive Psychology, well-being involves accepting uncontrollable circumstances and channeling our energy toward the personal skills and mindsets which have worked in the past to get us through painful and challenging experiences.
Embracing Uncertainty
Embracing uncertainty is a developed skill and definitely takes practice! The fear of the unknown is at the root of uncertainty. Anxiety can multiply exponentially if you allow yourself to remain caught in the cycle of trying to escape uncertainty. By embracing uncertainty, you will gradually be able to work through your past traumas, disappointments, and insecurities. You will also learn how to clarify your current thoughts and emotions and to transform uncertainty into a sense of certainty and empowerment.
The solution to fighting uncertainty is accepting uncertainty. The following actions can help you to accept and to learn from uncertainty. First, analyze what underlying meaning uncertainty has for you. For instance, you may automatically associate uncertainty with a negative outcome. However, uncertainty gives you no choice but to envision different actions and new versions of yourself which end up becoming part of your updated repertoire. You have the ability to learn new skills at any point in your human existence and to reframe uncertainty by tapping into your true higher self, so that your life feels less threatening. Uncertainty is the catalyst for growth and change. Each human’s spiritual journey often requires stepping into the unknown while continuing to move forward and to embrace all emotions and thoughts which arise. By not trying to avoid or hide from your insecurities and fears, you can begin to gain a sense of freedom from past traumas and other negative life experiences. By choosing to willingly tolerate not knowing how situations will turn out, you will expend less energy fighting unnecessary battles and getting caught up in cycles of unproductive anxiety. Acceptance of uncertainty is NOT acceptance of cruel or otherwise unfair treatment. It just means acknowledging that there is a degree of the unknown in everything that you encounter in life. It means letting go of the fight with reality.
Cognitive Reframing
Perfection is the standard against which all effort is judged, yet IT is impossible to attain. What complicates the pursuit of perfection even more is that the standards tend to change based on what job you have, what romantic partner you have, or what you are currently observing on social media sites. Then, there are the cognitive distortion cycles that can entangle any human being and can seriously debilitate one’s internal locus of control and can cause chronic negative emotional states. For instance, negative filtering can cause you to ignore or to minimize all of your past and present successes and to focus entirely on the few instances that were or are not as successful. Negative filtering often coexists with unrealistically high expectations. Focusing only on your negative experiences is a recipe for depressed moods, recurring anxiety, poor self-esteem, and persistent self-deprecating thoughts. Negative filtering is one of the primary cognitive distortions in depressed individuals and can be counter-conditioned through cognitive reframing reframing strategies.
Overgeneralization is another debilitating cognitive distortion which includes perceiving one mistake or setback as an indicator of how all future experiences will turn out for you. A similar thought process which literally kills your motivation and sense of personal control is the pattern of all-or-nothing thinking, which includes the use of extremist self-statements, such as “I will never be successful,” “I always do the wrong thing,” and “Everybody will betray me.” When you view yourself and others in these “black and white” extremes, you are not accepting the fact that life is filled with grey zones and that you are giving away your control to external circumstances and to inflexible thought patterns which ultimately prevent your growth and capacity for well-being. You are also cheating yourself out of exploring opportunities for evolving into your best self.
Cognitive reframing is a skill which involves changing your self-perceptions and self-statements from dysfunctional and rooted in past traumas to more present-oriented and empowering. Your perception as a courageous and resilient person can be an ongoing tool for working through trauma, depression, anxiety, and emotionally painful circumstances with family members, romantic partners, and other significant people in your life. Effective cognitive reframing results in self-regulation , which is an important motivating force and a source of internal control over your relationships, work or academic performance, and progress toward your life goals. When you become skilled at self-regulation, you gain a sense of control over disturbing emotions and thoughts related to both past and present events, as well as on your daily tasks and interactions with family, friends, and other significant people. Cognitive reframing often occurs through the use of grounding techniques, such as shifting your focus from an internal stressor (thought/emotion) to a focal point in your immediate environment or using bilateral stimulation (back-and-forth eye movements or stretching from left-to-right and then right-to-left in repetitions).
Each human is born with the innate ability to adapt to and make sense of one’s circumstances, no matter how painful or challenging. You must be open to viewing any of life’s stressors as part of human existence and as a catalyst for change and growth, not as fearful or debilitating experiences which define who you are. You already DO possess the energy to control your thoughts and, thus, your emotions. Without positive-oriented control, you become prone to a chronic loss of hope and willpower.