Written by Dr. Rebecca Wang
Anxiety manifests physically and physiologically as a state of extreme arousal, during which you may feel helpless toward regulating your emotions or controlling your ruminating thoughts. While emotional pain is an inevitable aspect of the natural order of life, you will eventually feel overwhelmed and “frozen” in all stressful situations if you do not restructure your perceptions about your misfortunes and other challenging life circumstances. Accepting pain or mistreatment does NOT mean that you are approving of it or internalizing the blame for it. Rather, it is just about giving yourself the freedom to acknowledge that it is there. It is also about validating your self-worth enough to confront and to accept your anxiety. By learning how to “tolerate” and to “plow through” your anxiety, you can make steps toward reducing its frightening presence.
WHAT IS FUELING YOUR ANXIETY?
You may choose a medication for minimizing your anxiety, so that you can rest at night, complete your necessary work and personal tasks, care for your loved ones, or just get through the day. However, there are five potent “fuels” which can perpetuate an endless cycle of anxiety running through your brain’s emotional control center (the limbic system) and wreaking havoc on your central nervous system. Are you putting any of the following five fuels into your anxiety tank??
AVOIDANCE
Avoidance is the strongest fuel for your anxiety tank. The use of avoidance is an immediate gratification defense mechanism, in that you can quickly trick your brain into believing that a problem either does not exist or will somehow go away on its own. Avoidance also prevents the pain, fear, confusion, or shame from entering your conscious awareness. There are many escapist behaviors, such as substance usage, sexual promiscuity, shopping, social media over-usage, refusing to talk about deep personal topics, and denying to yourself and all others that you have any problems. Some people avoid confronting the sources of their anxiety by “becoming” their anxiety, in that they may describe themselves with such statements as “I suffer from anxiety” or “I can’t get rid of my anxiety.” By choosing to “be” your anxiety, you are avoiding the necessary task of confronting its causes. Whether it is my own anxiety or a client’s anxiety, I always think of this statement: “No pain, no gain.” When you are in the midst of or in a memory of a painful life experience, you can either crumble or you can bravely accept the challenge of “gaining” from the pain. By doing this, the results can range from lifelong resilience skills to an improved appreciation for oneself and others to a daily fearless attitude.
SEEKING CONSTANT REAFFIRMATION FROM OTHERS
Do you frequently seek advice from others with the honest intention of confronting your problematic areas, yet you do not follow any of this advice? The constant need for reaffirmation is often subconscious, yet it is another potent fuel for your very conscious experience of anxiety. For instance, you may consciously tell yourself that you are “trying” to manage your anxiety, so you have an endless “pass” for relying on others or on distracting events to give you temporary relief from your suffering. However, you are not doing the difficult internal work toward getting to the root of your anxiety. By relying on external forces, you are only perpetuating and strengthening the anxiety cycle.
CATASTROPHIZING
Do you frequently visualize the worst case scenario and convince yourself that this is most likely the only scenario which will happen? Furthermore, do you tell yourself that some scenarios are just way too difficult or hopeless to even consider the search for a solution? Catastrophizing is a very reliable fuel source for your anxiety tank, because you convince yourself that there is just “no way” that a situation can be resolved. If you were to visualize some small steps toward a solution, you could begin to drain your anxiety fuel.
NEGATIVE SELF-TALK
Do you frequently doubt or criticize yourself? Do you internalize all past disappointments, mistreatment, and mistakes as reliable evidence proving that you are worthless, flawed, weak, or just plain wrong? A harsh internal dialogue is another potent fuel for your anxiety tank, and this negative self-talk can be toxic for different aspects of your identity, such as career, romance, leisure, and overall emotional stability. In fact, it can take a very long time for someone diagnosed with an anxiety disorder to just verbalize the exact words which he or she continually uses to describe one’s entire character. The first step is to bring to conscious awareness your specific self-defeating words and what triggers your self-attacks.
PEOPLE-PLEASING
Do you hide from your anxiety by focusing on the needs and wishes of others? Do you evaluate your self-worth based on how much you can do for others or how necessary you can be in promoting the well-being of others? You are actually creating more anxiety by engaging in this thought and behavioral pattern. Although it is a very uncomfortable action, try visualizing how less anxious you would feel if you did not devote so much energy to others’ well-being and more toward identifying and satisfying your own needs and desires. This doesn’t mean totally stopping your concern for others. Rather, it is about creating a healthier balance between your internal and external focus. It can be a lengthy and, perhaps, difficult process to work through each of the people-pleasing actions which are actually repetitive attempts to derive a sense of purpose for yourself, as opposed to just focusing more on your individual purpose. While empathy is an extremely valuable trait, you must remember to maintain empathy for yourself.
By learning new ways to react to stress or fear triggers, you are accepting and moving through and beyond your anxiety. You will find that you can confront distressful situations head-on and can choose how to respond to them, rather than being controlled by them. A final point is to remember, on a daily basis, to strive for the “8 C’s of self-energy.”
- Calm mind and body
- Clarity of what is important and what is not important in the big picture of your life
- Curiosity aimed at new experiences
- Compassion for yourself and for those who have hurt you
- Confidence in your ability to create your unique narrative
- Courage to be your authentic self
- Creative outlets to keep your brain’s naturally-occurring pleasure chemicals at a healthy level
- Connectedness with loved ones, nature, and your most valued principles
