How often do you evaluate your relationship dynamics? Our significant relationships can have a profound effect upon our sense of self and upon our mental and emotional well-being. Whether the relationship is with a romantic partner or a close friend, it is important to do a frequent “relationship satisfaction checklist” to assess the pros and cons of the interactional dynamics. The following four relationship dynamics are key components of an intimate relationship.
Communication
In a romantic partnership, the number one determinant of satisfaction is how each partner COMMUNICATES about one’s needs, wants, concerns, and feelings. In fact, it is not necessarily “what” each partner wants or needs but “how” these wants or needs are verbalized to one another. Cognitive restructuring can help individuals express themselves more clearly and empathetically by fostering more rational and less emotionally charged thoughts. This ensures that conversations are more productive and less likely to escalate into arguments.
Cognitive restructuring techniques can greatly help you and your partner to clarify thoughts and feelings and then to brainstorm about how to more clearly and constructively articulate the “most present-oriented” words as a springboard for open collaboration with each other. Of course, this is easier said than done, especially when you allow your emotions to derail you from getting your point across to your partner or from maintaining a conscious focus on listening to your partner’s responses.
Conflict Resolution
The second dynamic, conflict resolution, is dependent upon the effectiveness of a couple’s communication dynamics. Open, authentic, and non-defensive words are key in working toward solutions within a romantic relationship. It is extremely toxic when partners get stuck in a cycle of the “blame game” which typically gets each of them lost in the past. Cognitive restructuring techniques, such as a Conflict Resolution Worksheet, can be particularly effective in challenging distorted thought and behavioral patterns. This worksheet can be administered by a therapist or can be self-administered by writing or typing the following information during a CALM discussion: (1) a brief summary of the conflict, (2) what has NOT worked in solving this conflict in the past, (3) reframed thoughts about WHY this conflict is occurring, and (4) potential actions to implement, within a designated time frame, in order to resolve this problematic situation. A Conflict Resolution Worksheet can be a game-changer in enhancing your relationship satisfaction, because it serves as a systematic guide which does NOT involved emotional reactions. You and your partner can be “free” from old patterns of blaming each other. You can then move on toward creating specific, small, and manageable goals which are aimed at improving the “big picture” of the relationship.
Acceptance of Each Other’s Past
The third dynamic is acceptance of your partner’s narrative. It is so important to frequently remind yourself that you and your partner have had different life experiences, family interaction patterns, and past romantic relationship issues. Another cognitive restructuring technique, a Reframing Worksheet, focuses on transforming negative thoughts into more positive and constructive ones by prompting each partner to identify past experiences and related “triggers” which actually have little to do with the current relationship. For instance, adults with an anxious attachment style tend to crave constant reassurance from a romantic partner and also to test their partner’s loyalty and love. Anxious attachment types are often afraid of being abandoned by their romantic partner, as a result of having abusive or neglectful caregivers who did not meet their needs. During the Reframing Worksheet exercise, you and your partner can actually improve your emotional bond by writing or typing specific “inner talk” which is harming your relationship. You can view this exercise as a form of “critical analysis” to determine facts versus biased interpretations made by you or your partner, due to having different upbringings, traumas, disappointments, and/or insecurities. This activity can guide both of you in learning a new skill which can be applied in future challenging and triggering situations.
By reframing irrational thought processes, you can reduce emotional distress and can improve your sense of security within the relationship. The outcome is that you focus on your present relationship and recognize emotional triggers which are rooted in the past and are not healthy for your current or future functioning. One final point about this technique is that you must remember that triggers will continue to occur. It is about identifying, accepting, and confronting these triggers in an honest and openly communicative way, rather than allowing these triggers to spiral into an emotionally toxic and behaviorally destructive diversion in your relationship’s path of satisfaction.
Perceptions about Trust and Intimacy
The fourth dynamic involves how each partner “defines” trust and what each partner requires in order to experience a sense of intimacy within the relationship. A Thought Record Worksheet helps in documenting and analyzing negative thoughts about trust and intimacy within the relationship. This technique includes automatic thoughts and emotions which are influencing each partner’s satisfaction with trust and intimacy. Furthermore, you and your partner will verbalize the “evidence” for and against these thoughts and will then revise perceptions about how to increase trust toward one another, as well as how to satisfy each other’s intimacy needs. Remember that, if you or your partner has an anxious attachment style, the most common causes are parental inconsistency in expressing love, chronic criticism or rejection from one or both parents, and parental emotional neglect. Adults with an anxious attachment style are always concerned about the stability or security of their relationships. They tend to agonize over the meaning of words or actions from a romantic partner and greatly need one’s romantic partner to fill the emotional void.
An effective way to understand differing perceptions about intimacy is to evaluate your types of “love languages” versus those of your partner. The five types of “love languages” demonstrate how romantic partners can greatly differ in their perceptions of what “true intimacy” must include. You can work toward greater relationship satisfaction by evaluating yourself and your partner through an authentic discussion about each of these five desired expressions of relationship intimacy: (1) Words of Affirmation, (2) Quality Time, (3) Acts of Service, (4) Receiving Gifts, and (5) Physical Touch. Give it a try!
